| 22 March 2010
Well my lovelies, I promised you my take on the Coyotes in the movie Major League and here it is:
Players:
We have Shane Doan starring as Jake Taylor. He is the older, wiser player that takes the young guys under his wings. He shows them the ropes. There is also the injuries and we know Shane has had a few of those over the years but refuses to let them stop him from playing.
See, older player helps younger player out..
(picture from google image search - Delaware Online)
See the resemblance?
Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn - had this been earlier this season I would have picked Mueller. Not because he is crazy but he is one of the young guns that Shane Doan had taken under his wing and tried to help. If this had been a previous season, Dan Carcillo would have been at the top of my list. I mean, they even started playing "Wild Thing" after his fights. But since neither of those players are currently here, this role goes to Paul Bissonnette. And really, I'm sure Paul has a wild side. He is a fighter and he plays hard every shift. He totally endears himself to you much like Charlie Sheen in the original Major League. So yes, Paul is an excellent choice to play the next Rick Vaughn.
He's got the same attitude as Biz...
(google image - The Movie Mind)
Ever the rebel, even his roster pic is sans Coyotes uniform
Any chance he gets, he apparently losses his clothes.
(google image - Talk Sports)
Yah, Wild Thing, I think I love you but I wanna know for sure....
(image from Amy Jo, can't remember where it was originally found)
Ilya Bryzgalov as Pedro Cerrano. This one I knew right away. Pedro is like the goalie of Major League. I'm not saying that I see Bryz doing Voodoo but he is a tad bit strange (as are most goalies). He seemed to fit the part much more than Jason LaBarbera.
How many times have we seen pics of Bryz in the locker room with his hoodie just like this??
(google image - Hockey Joe)
Imagine this with a hoodie. Oh yah.
The next one was really easy to pick too. Ed Jovanovski as the ever infuriating Roger Dorn. He's past his prime, he's overpaid and he refuses to put in the extra effort. Wait, am I talking about Dorn or Jovo? You may never know...
Look at me, I'm so awesome! I don't need to work hard...
(google image - Gaslamp Ball)
Look at me, I'm so awesome! I don't need to work hard... Oh wait, that's what Dorn said. huh, interesting.
Up next is Willie Mays Hayes. I had some trouble picking a player for this one but have settled on Scottie Upshall. Willie Mays Hayes is flashy and knows how to dress. He's also a little reckless and excitable on the field. Scottie dresses well and has the hair. He can also be a little reckless and excitable on the ice. It's a match people!
Suave and debonair. Classy.
(google image - Mop Up Duty)
Oh yah, definitely the Willie Mays Hayes of Hockey
Eddie Harris was a harder role to cast. We don't really have any grumpy old men (unless you count Jovo but he has to be Dorn). So I was down to our two oldest men, Robert Lang and new comber Matheiu Schnieder. I have chosen to go with Robert Lang just because he has been with the Coyotes the longest. Although Shcneider's roster pic was scarier, it was unusable because he appears way to happy in it. Lang I hope you are a good actor and can pull off the snarly old vet. You tend to have a smile on your face; you are going to have to knock that off to pull this part off.
Lang has much better hair...
(google image - Awesome with a side of Sweet)
You just kind of look like a grizzled old man..kind of.
That is it for the Coyotes player. There is however one other player to cover. Clue Haywood. The anti-hero to Charlie Sheen's Rick Vaughn. I thought about this long and hard and was having problems coming up with a single player that would be the Coyotes anti-hero. I thought about going with a team like the Red Wings, who we have struggled against for years but decided it needed to be one evil, nasty player. So I settled on Steve Ott. With Ott being in Dallas, we see him 6 times a year. Dallas has been pretty ugly to the Yotes players this year and I am pretty sure that Biz has taken care of Ott on occasion. So there you have it, Steve Ott as Clue Haywood. A big, mean ugly SOB.
Dude you are one fugly man. But the mustache adds a nice touch!
(google image - Baseball Brew)
Don't cry, Biz won't hurt you. Well, not too bad anyway.
(google image Laugh 2 Loud)
Ok, that covers the main character players. The broadcasting & coaching staff will be named after the jump, as this is becoming quite the long post! So to see who was cast in the rest of the Coyotes version of Major League click that "read more" button. See you after the jump!
Welcome back readers! And now on to the rest of the cast!
Broadcasters:
With the departure of Panger, that leaves either Strader, Nash or Heethuis (other honorable mentions include Lapinski and Walsh). I had to go with Dave Strader as Harry Doyle because he is the voice of the Coyotes. Dave Strader does a fantastic job calling the games and keeping Tyson Nash in line (or ignoring him, however you want to look at it). Oh and they both qualify as the silver fox...
I wonder if Strads has a Miller Lite while calling the games??
(google image - Right Field Bleachers)
You're just going to have to trust me on this one, he does have the silver hair now but of course I am unable to find a picture. *sigh*
(from coyotes.nhl.com)
Coaching/Front Office Staff:
Team manager Lou Brown will be played by none other than Dave Tippett. Both men were brought in to coach teams that everyone thought would finish dead last. The Indians rallied behind Brown to come back and win it all. The Coyotes have rallied behind Tippett and he is taking them to the playoffs (as I write this Coyotes are 1st in the Pacific, 2nd in the West and 3rd in the league, not too shabby). Can the Coyotes win it all? Keep watching to find out.
Tippett might have looked just like this when he got the call from the Coyotes.
(google image - The Cooler)
See, he can totally get the mustache going too!
(google image - Fanster Phoenix)
Pepper Leach, 1st Base/Pitching coach, and Duke Temple, 3rd Base coach, were a little harder to cast. In the movie you don't really get to know these two, much like in real life we don't really get to see much of Burke, Sulliman, King and Samuelson. I have four coaches to chose from and two roles to cast.
Since pitchers can be a bit special, I have decided that Sean Burke will be Pepper Leach. Burke has to deal with LaBarbera and Bryz, while Pepper gets Vaughn. Yah, that's about even...
As for Duke Temple, I have went with Doug Sulliman. He is kind of an elusive type but has a very narrow role on the team from what I can figure out. Usually Sulliman is seen working individually with players at the end of practice and sits most of the game up in the press box to get the birds eye view. Temple chills on the 3rd base line for the game. Temple has the job of assisting runners and having to observe the game from a specific vantage point and make decisions based on what he sees. Sulliman sits up high and communicates with the bench. His input is vital because he sees the game from a different angle then behind the bench.
It was hard to find a picture of Pepper Leach, so here is the actor that played him.
(google image - Aveley Man)
Sean Burke in action
(google image - AZ Central)
I also had a hard time finding Duke Temple, so you get a baseball card featuring the guy that played Temple.
(google image - I forgot to write down the website it came from)
Stay Classy Doug!
(google image - Life)
Charlie Donovan is the GM of the Indians so of course I have to go with Don Maloney. Donovan knows of the evil plan and by the end tells the evil villain to shove it (I'm paraphrasing here). I believe Don Maloney is more optimistic about the team than Donovan. Donovan knows that the owner is wrong but does what he can to help out Brown. I would say that DM had a role much like that under Moyes. He did what he could with what he was given.
Again, hard to find pics, had to go with what was available.
(google image - Film Dope)
Don Maloney wants you to be a fan!
(google images - Day Life))
And who could forget the evil villainess Rachel Phelps? Since the NHL is the current owner and are in not really evil, I take a look back. Should it be Jerry Moyes? What about Jim Balsillie? Who should play the evil villain in the Coyotes movie? I chose Jim Balsillie. He is much more ruthless and smarter then Jerry Moyes. Jerry Moyes is just a sad excuse for a man while Balsillie is just pure evil.* Although no one wants to see either Moyes or Balsillie stripped naked...
*slight exaggeration/artistic liberty
She just looks like a witch.
(google image - wisportsconsin)
And he just looks like the cocky millionaire that he is...
(google image - Low Down Blog)
The best line in the movie that applies to the Coyotes comes from Lou Brown. I could see Tippett saying something quite similar to this at the start of the season...
"I'd just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we'd save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I'm for wasting sportswriters' time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give 'em all a nice big shitburger to eat!"
The quote is just so fitting. Over the season though, the Coyotes have gained some respect in the national and local media, much like the Indians did in the movie. The similarities are uncanny!
And this picture is just for shits and giggles:
My first attempt at photoshopping a head on to another body. Not bad.
(google image - Blackberry Insight & Yardbarker)
Dear readers, what are your thoughts? Do you think a different player should have filled a role? If so, which one and why? If this was a different year, what players/staff would you put in these roles and why? Let's get a healthy, positive discussion going in the comments section!
*All Coyotes roster pics were taken from Coyotes.nhl.com
